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[reznikolai]

[Pick up your phone, your good pal Nikolai is in need of an ear to chat off while he folds laundry.]

Good afternoon, my dear Kostya! You'll never believe the pair of melons my eyes were privy to just earlier today.

[Never waste time with dull small talk.]

[takeroot]

[Is this Nikolai's new greeting? Good gracious. If this turns out to be a pun about actual fruit, sir...

In any case, he is in the middle of tending to his lovely bird, so please ignore any errant coos in the background here.]

No? Tell me, then, and I shall judge for myself the veracity of your latest ogling.

i'm sorry about this

[reznikolai]

There I was, going about the usual errands — crucial matters such as deciding what pastries I want to try for breakfast this week. Then I turned and there they were. The largest I've ever seen. Perfectly round and smooth to the touch. My appetite awakened in that moment.

Well, I simply couldn't resist...so in short, I'll be enjoying watermelon with my breakfast tomorrow.

[Yeah...it was a stupid joke about actual fruit...]

[takeroot]

[This guy... Ignore the long pause, it's definitely just because Constantin is distracted with his own chores, not because he's judging.]

Watermelon. [Hmm.] You called to tell me your breakfast plans? You are assuredly charming, Nikolai, but I am not sure I follow.

[Nobody calls him just to talk, in fairness? What's the emergency, sir.]

[reznikolai]

You haven't laughed at my joke.

[And clearly he's deeply wounded by it! (No, he's fine.)]

Was the setup too obvious? Are you disappointed I didn't call you to discuss tits?

[takeroot]

I think a more accurate emotion may be... confused? Not about your joke, which I did understand, yes.

[He's still not laughing at it... sorry buddy.]

It's just that a considerable time has passed since breakfast, wouldn't you say?

[reznikolai]

The thing about breakfast is that it comes again every day.

[takeroot]

If you had called me to talk about tits, here I could make a joke of my very own. Alas!

[zing]

Do you have any others?

[reznikolai]

[Ha!]

Other what? Bawdy jokes? Well, I'm sure I could invent an amusing story involving nuts if you give me a minute. Walnuts, naturally.

[takeroot]

Oh, now that would be some new material from you! Please, do tell me everything about your extensive walnut expertise.

[He's wiggling his eyebrows suggestively... at his bird, which is probably being subjected to Nikolai on speaker. Nobody has to know.]

[reznikolai]

[You know, it's strangely freeing to let himself be kind of an idiot...]

Well, they're best when roasted. That way, when they're fresh and hot, getting a handful will keep you warm on a cold night.

[takeroot]

[fresh hot nuts........]

Just the one handful? And yet you aren't nearly half so miserly about the melons!

[Damn Nikolai it's like you're not a hot nuts expert?? Suspect!]

[reznikolai]

[The freshest, steamiest nuts.....]

Don't you think it might be wise to keep one hand open? Other, equally tempting opportunities may...arise, after all.

[takeroot]

[why does he laugh at this... true idiot content (tm)]

I suppose one mustn't be o'erhasty to shaft his evening company, no, you're right! That said, it is equally silly to restrain one's appreciation. My friend, your fictitious gentleman is between a rock and a hard place.

[reznikolai]

A rock and a hard place, you say...

[Well, this idiot is laughing too.]

Which is precisely why I intend to lend him a hand, you see. Nay, both hands! Only once I've got a firm grasp of his problem can I properly assist him. And I am nothing if not a problem solver, my dear Kostya.

[takeroot]

Is that why you called? Are you lending both hands as we speak, and yet still lacking? I daresay the last problem remaining is what better use to make of your mouth, much as I enjoy our little talks.

[Make haste with the imaginary succ, buddy, it's only polite??]

[reznikolai]

Let's just say that this is one tough nut to crack. However, I am known for my rather persuasive tongue. I'm sure we could come to an agreement over the most satisfying solution.