I was not expecting to have another discussion before I wrote this. My intention had been to write something boring and benign, then judge the resultant reply. In a way, we've already accomplished that consideration and this letter is ornamental now, but I also wanted to be alone with my thoughts. So I put you off a few weeks more.
I've always been able to be myself before you, and in a way that is what is unfortunate. My 'self' has been messy and unformed for most of that time. There are parts of it which remain that way. I don't expect you to intuit my changes, not any more than I expect to intuit yours.
We are the same in enough regards though. Vergil is not my father, but I spend every moment in dread of becoming him. When I was part of him, I was what he beat and broke in order to achieve power. I was not allowed to grow or flourish, and neither were you. You want what has been denied to you, but you don't know how to hold on to it.
I don't want to be motivated by regret any longer, and I don't want to grasp at things so fearfully that I strangle them. I want to be motivated by what I think is right, and that is repairing Fellden so that I can return to where I came from. I need to give everything I have to the person I am, so that he can be a better man.
What I have left undone is burning a hole inside of me.
I cannot pretend to be happy. I cannot help shoulder the burden of optimism the way a friend should, and I don't want to try desperately to be that person for you. One hurts you, while the other hurts me. I thought I could make myself believe it, and that the ease would come with practice.
So it is my turn to apologize. If all of this was abrupt and unbidden to you, I am sorry. It took time and changes around me to realize things could not stay as they were. I think I had hoped you would say the same when I asked about Marinell's cuff. That my desperation to meet these ideals had gone too far. It doesn't matter that you didn't, it was mine to decide.
And I need to be different now. I do want to remain your friend, but I need to try it anew without the cloud of infatuation I've been living under.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
a fun message;
I was not expecting to have another discussion before I wrote this. My intention had been to write something boring and benign, then judge the resultant reply. In a way, we've already accomplished that consideration and this letter is ornamental now, but I also wanted to be alone with my thoughts. So I put you off a few weeks more.
I've always been able to be myself before you, and in a way that is what is unfortunate. My 'self' has been messy and unformed for most of that time. There are parts of it which remain that way. I don't expect you to intuit my changes, not any more than I expect to intuit yours.
We are the same in enough regards though. Vergil is not my father, but I spend every moment in dread of becoming him. When I was part of him, I was what he beat and broke in order to achieve power. I was not allowed to grow or flourish, and neither were you. You want what has been denied to you, but you don't know how to hold on to it.
I don't want to be motivated by regret any longer, and I don't want to grasp at things so fearfully that I strangle them. I want to be motivated by what I think is right, and that is repairing Fellden so that I can return to where I came from. I need to give everything I have to the person I am, so that he can be a better man.
What I have left undone is burning a hole inside of me.
I cannot pretend to be happy. I cannot help shoulder the burden of optimism the way a friend should, and I don't want to try desperately to be that person for you. One hurts you, while the other hurts me. I thought I could make myself believe it, and that the ease would come with practice.
So it is my turn to apologize. If all of this was abrupt and unbidden to you, I am sorry. It took time and changes around me to realize things could not stay as they were. I think I had hoped you would say the same when I asked about Marinell's cuff. That my desperation to meet these ideals had gone too far. It doesn't matter that you didn't, it was mine to decide.
And I need to be different now. I do want to remain your friend, but I need to try it anew without the cloud of infatuation I've been living under.
-V